broken hearts anonymous

Hi Nathalie,
I was in an inter-racial relationship with a girl for one year. From the beginning she was not trustworthy, but at the time I was so lonely that I deeply fell in love. I became addicted to her. I was struggling with my job. As she knew this, she left me. Her behavior became so rude towards me and her words were so hurtful.

Now I am not together with her. I am in different city, but I am obsessed with her. I call her, but she didn’t answer the phone. I am really in trap. I want to forget her, but I can’t move on.

Please give me some advice for my broken heart.

regards,
sp

Hi SP,

I’m glad you realize that it was a toxic relationship and not healthy for you in the least bit. Knowing this, the process of ‘moving on’ will be easier!

Let’s stop focusing on how she treated you, and instead, look at why you accepted the behaviour for 1 year. Your addictive behaviour towards her stems not from your need to have her, per se, but from a fear of being alone and having low self-esteem/ self-worth.

You said you were alone and struggling with your job. This combination makes it difficult for your self-worth to thrive. You didn’t put a high value on yourself because A) being alone, you felt that you may be unlovable, and B) you didn’t feel that you had a lot to offer because of your job situation.

Your first step to getting over this addiction is to build your self-esteem.

1. Make a list of things about yourself that you appreciate. (I’m a good writer, I can fix almost anything…)
2. Make another list of things that you offer in a relationship. (I’m loyal, attentive…)
3. Now focus your time on doing the things that you’re good at and enjoy. (write, build something…)

The second step is done at the same time as the first:

1. Each time you’re tempted to reach out to her, stop yourself. Over time, this will build your self-esteem because you have made the choice to not call, thereby giving yourself power over the situation.
2. Every time you think of an instance that you felt hurt by her words or actions, erase it from your mind. (how? simply imagine the words or actions drawn on a chalk board and erase the image.)
3. Whenever you find yourself about to rehash the relationship with a friend of yours, stop yourself before the words come out and bring up a completely different topic.

The final step:

Get out of your house. Meet up with a friend. Go to the library. Take a walk. Play football with your friends. Work out at the gym. Do anything…and at night when you’re falling asleep you will be able to think about what you did that day and smile.

Big hugs to you!